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Before The Town Was Lavender - by SCP-096 of Indie DB
Final Version


Behind The Idea of Story:
One day on Online Sequencer, I wanted to make music, but my mind was having a lot of trouble. So I went on chat, LucentTear was on, and it appeared that Lucent was attempting to make a story based off the song "Loneliness Syndrome". I was trying to help Lucent make a story, however, the idea I gave Lucent was too cliche. Lucent writing a story gave me the same idea to make a story, so I began writing one. Since "Before The Town Was Lavender" is based off Lavender Town from Pokemon, and there has been many horror stories based off Lavender Town, I began to write one. As I wrote the story, I felt a little afraid, I was looking around me and behind me as I typed the story. When I told my bro, he laughed at me, and then I told him to read the finished story, after the story, he looked me at, and fell down in fear.

The Story:
I played the earliest version of Pokemon before it was even released. Playing the earliest versions of a game first sounded excited until I realized what a big mistake I have made.

I decided to plan a vacation to Japan for a several years. I had to learn some Japanese lessons, and other stuff, however it took me half a year to learn the language which was pretty quick since Japanese was a hard language to learn (what I heard from people). I packed my bags, went to the airport, and took a airplane to Japan. It took a long time until I finally made it to Japan, but the journey was worth it. When I first walked out of the airport into Japan, someone invited me to play a unreleased version of a game as a Alpha tester, it sounded pretty interesting, so I went along. I went a building, I cannot remember what it exactly looked like inside and out, and I was brought to a certain room, he came in just in case something went wrong.

When I first started the game, the game started out normal, with a character that the man called "Satoshi". He lived in the Kanto region (which is based off eastern Japan) in some town called Pallet Town, I don't remember everything in the game, but I know that I went through these areas: Viridian City, Viridian Forest, Pewter City, Mt. Moon, Cerulean City, Saffron City, and then that's when I arrived at "Unnamed Town", this town looked regular, I went exploring around it, and then I found a little boy, that's when the man who was in the room with me began feeling a little nervous, he explained to me that he was a AI adminstrator of the game, and he is sort of bugged, so there if a risk of ruining the whole town if I do anything that seems mean to him. That's when the Boy of Unnamed City told me to follow him.

He brought me to a store to get supplies, it looked normal, I bought a few items, and then he showed me to another area, to a hotel, that's when I noticed a Haunter nearby, that's when I began feeling a little worried, and that's when he told me to get out of the room, I began getting some snacks and drinks and talking to other employees in the building, that's when I heard screaming. Me and the employees went to check him, he was still alive, but he was freaked out when that admin AI boy was found dead in the game, and the Haunter seemed to be corrupted, one of the employee's attempted to shut off the game, and that's when the Haunter's face changed, into something else, into something didn't seem like a Haunter, and that's when it disappeared, and then when the employee checked the whole map, the Unnamed Town was called "Lavender Town", they exited the now dark hotel in Lavender Town, and everything outside was Lavender... That's when the boy's corpse appeared and turned into a puddle of blood in the game, then the whole game crashed. The man who saw the scene and died all of a sudden. The employees' called the hospital. That's when they found on his back, a image of a ghost, and then words below it, these words were Pokemon that weren't released at the time, and were called "Unown". And this image was later to be found in the original soundtrack. That's when I heard laughing, and then I ran out of the hospital in fear, I only stayed there for a couple of more days, then left my vacation to Japan to the United States, where I originally came from.

I still enjoy Pokemon, but every time I think about Pokemon, that event shows up in my head, and that event haunted me and will continue to haunt me forever, and the death of the man, I found out that he was a rapist that framed people, so either way, life or death, life would turn out evil, or no... painful.

Thank you for reading my horror story.

I probably got scared because I read too much creepypastas.

Moved thread to Off-Topic for obvious OCD reasons.

Now, being a fellow writer, there are a bunch of things I'd like to shed light on and some other things I want to nitpick at.



The opening is okay, "I played the earliest version of Pokemon before it was even released. Playing the earliest versions of a game first sounded exciting until I realized what a big mistake I have made."

There should be a better way to reword this, but how it's executed so far doesn't seem to hook in the reader. With this kind of opening, the structure is of a low-end elementary student level. The opening lines should be slightly unique and a bit memorable, and not an introduction to a third grader's show-and-tell.

If anything, I cannot stress enough that being indirect with your audience is the best way to write. What I mean is that you want your audience to assume what you're saying without telling them exactly what a character is doing. Probably the best way to do this is to use as many words as possible in a sentence without making it too confusing to read. I'm gonna pull out an excerpt from my personal story, and rewrite it to show you what I mean.

"Sometimes it was as if Lurrell could no longer count the number of days and nights he had been sleeping..."

"Lurrell had been sleeping for so long that..."

Yeah there is an obvious difference between the two. You want the narration to somewhat reflect a character's thoughts, and be set in a corresponding tone with the story. Avoid using overly simple sentences and work on eloquence. Make sure a sentence is sound, and that it has a nice spark to the story's plot. Now, if I were to write the same sentence in a horror (?) tone for example...

"Even if an eternity passed before Lurrell was able to revive his need to open his eyes, the indefinite blackness that had once engulfed them entirely only continued to stick by. If the insecure child didn't just obtain the willpower to disperse of the noir vignette that seemed to devour his vision up, who knew, maybe said statement would have been true. Who cared though? For one, God surely didn't. He had forsaken the original world that he once created years, years ago."

That was more than one sentence, but you get my point. Details are your best friend, and you'd rather have too many details than too little. It's easier to revise later than to add them as you read.


Two, this is probably the one unwritten rule I try my hardest not to succumb to, but still do anyways. It's the usage of "I"s at the beginning of your sentence. Alternate your sentences, it always makes a difference! This is something I don't realize until I review my story, so I always have to go back and mix it up a bit. Try to make up a detail that eventually leads to your main subject in a sentence. This is why complex sentences should be embraced for their writing versatility.


As for actions that happen, you really need details, adverbs, thesaurus.com, and lots and lots of practice! There's a huge gap between "He quickly ran to the store," and "It was the post-apocalypse and the man sprinted out his home bat out of hell just to greedily hoard whatever was leftover of the bean sprout sales from the dilapidated supermarket." A note to be added, using too many adverbs or in general -ly words might weaken your writing.


Want gore? Actually make the scene obscurely vivid and horrendous. "The vermilion fluid he had coughed up dripped down to the sides of his jawline, and it looked as if the man was gradually turning into a monster himself. Some sort of force just loved to pull at his esophagus, kicking at the pipe and blowing the wind out of him. More blood was gagged up, turning inevitably blacker and blacker... matching the color of what was hell itself.."


Last note, "Thank you for reading my horror story. *smiley face*" instantly removes whatever fear you had from your reader. Just no.

This rant took longer than I expected.

How is this then?

(03-03-2017, 06:31 PM)LucentTear Wrote: [ -> ]Moved thread to Off-Topic for obvious OCD reasons.

Now, being a fellow writer, there are a bunch of things I'd like to shed light on and some other things I want to nitpick at.



The opening is okay, "I played the earliest version of Pokemon before it was even released. Playing the earliest versions of a game first sounded exciting until I realized what a big mistake I have made."

There should be a better way to reword this, but how it's executed so far doesn't seem to hook in the reader. With this kind of opening, the structure is of a low-end elementary student level. The opening lines should be slightly unique and a bit memorable, and not an introduction to a third grader's show-and-tell.

If anything, I cannot stress enough that being indirect with your audience is the best way to write. What I mean is that you want your audience to assume what you're saying without telling them exactly what a character is doing. Probably the best way to do this is to use as many words as possible in a sentence without making it too confusing to read. I'm gonna pull out an excerpt from my personal story, and rewrite it to show you what I mean.

"Sometimes it was as if Lurrell could no longer count the number of days and nights he had been sleeping..."

"Lurrell had been sleeping for so long that..."

Yeah there is an obvious difference between the two. You want the narration to somewhat reflect a character's thoughts, and be set in a corresponding tone with the story. Avoid using overly simple sentences and work on eloquence. Make sure a sentence is sound, and that it has a nice spark to the story's plot. Now, if I were to write the same sentence in a horror (?) tone for example...

"Even if an eternity passed before Lurrell was able to revive his need to open his eyes, the indefinite blackness that had once engulfed them entirely only continued to stick by. If the insecure child didn't just obtain the willpower to disperse of the noir vignette that seemed to devour his vision up, who knew, maybe said statement would have been true. Who cared though? For one, God surely didn't. He had forsaken the original world that he once created years, years ago."

That was more than one sentence, but you get my point. Details are your best friend, and you'd rather have too many details than too little. It's easier to revise later than to add them as you read.


Two, this is probably the one unwritten rule I try my hardest not to succumb to, but still do anyways. It's the usage of "I"s at the beginning of your sentence. Alternate your sentences, it always makes a difference! This is something I don't realize until I review my story, so I always have to go back and mix it up a bit. Try to make up a detail that eventually leads to your main subject in a sentence. This is why complex sentences should be embraced for their writing versatility.


As for actions that happen, you really need details, adverbs, thesaurus.com, and lots and lots of practice! There's a huge gap between "He quickly ran to the store," and "It was the post-apocalypse and the man sprinted out his home bat out of hell just to greedily hoard whatever was leftover of the bean sprout sales from the dilapidated supermarket." A note to be added, using too many adverbs or in general -ly words might weaken your writing.


Want gore? Actually make the scene obscurely vivid and horrendous. "The vermilion fluid he had coughed up dripped down to the sides of his jawline, and it looked as if the man was gradually turning into a monster himself. Some sort of force just loved to pull at his esophagus, kicking at the pipe and blowing the wind out of him. More blood was gagged up, turning inevitably blacker and blacker... matching the color of what was hell itself.."


Last note, "Thank you for reading my horror story. *smiley face*" instantly removes whatever fear you had from your reader. Just no.

This rant took longer than I expected.

How about a Zombie Pikachu? Fear goes up higher. :D
By the way, have a good sleep.

(03-03-2017, 06:39 PM)SCP-096 from Indie DB Wrote: [ -> ]How about a Zombie Pikachu? Fear goes up higher. :D
By the way, have a good sleep.

I think someone took your sense of horror and threw it down the Weenie Hut Jr. blender.

Also it looks like that you basically TL;DR'd my post so I actually feel sad for taking too much time trying to give advice when you only read the second-to-last sentence.

Your story wasn't all that scary, now that picture on the other hand... ( I didn't even see the whole thing!) 8I (I just had the guts to look at it nevermind -.-