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Jeff and Lue the story 


By Shoto Todoroki123


It all starts at the holocaust. Jeff was an 18-year-old candidate and was in the Japanese
 concentration camp. The little food and water were killing off a lot of people, Jeff
 sometimes went without. Each day, he would count all the people that starved. Other
 days, he would smile at them and say positive things about them. One day he was so
 hungry and desperate that he saw a starved corps and ripped an arm off and bit it. The
arm was like heaven to him. It was so good that he ate the whole thing! People would
look at him like he was crazy, but he got that a lot. One day someone in the camp was
 tired of Jeffs crazy ways and attempted to kill him. He tied him up with ace wrap and
took a knife and cut a smile in his face, then left him there to die. His name was Ryan,
 and along with Jeff, he also torchered his brother Lue. Being as young as they are, they
 were able to stay conches. Jeff slowly went insane. The 30 days with little food and the
 30 nights without shelter... it turned his skin white and his hair pitch black. His pupils
 in his eyes were small and black, and the bottom of his eyes looked like natural black
 eyeliner. Lue was able to stay kind of sane. Although the cuts started to get infected.
 Jeff knew how to sew without a needle and used one of his sleeves to sew his brothers
 face. Long after they managed to escape. Running as far away from the camp as
possible, they were looking at all the dead corpses. Lue saw one holding something
 shiny. Lue thought it was money, Jeff thought it was bullets! To both of their surprise, it
 was a knife! Lue saw his brother's eyes and knew it was a good idea. They ran around
 and killed the first things that moved with no mercy! With their twisted minds, they ate
all the corpses. After the meal, they left the scene. Soon the police caught them and tried
to arrest them. But they ran in the woods. Hours of laughing and yelling was making
 them feel alive. Jeff gave up his army title, Lue did as well. Months passed, and after all
 the fun, horror struck! Rayn returned! He snuck up on Lue and stabbed him in the
 stomach! Causing him to die a very slow and painful death. He yelled and yelled but Jeff
 could do nothing about it, he had to watch as his brother died. Jeff was heartbroken. He
 sat in that ally till his sole wasted away. Weeks later, he was captured by police. He was
 taken to the asylum for 6 months. After his big break out, he ran till he met an abandon
 manor. The Dark Manor to be exact. Inside, were other Creepypastas. There, he was
 excepted. Months passed in that manor. Jeff was sitting on the roof and gazing at the
stars one night. He wishes he could have done something to help Lue. The sound of his
 brothers screaming filled his head. He blames himself for his death. Then, out of the
pitch-black darkness of night, was a figure. Jeff jumped down to see it. Alas, it was his
 own brother standing before him. Without thinking, Jeff grabbed him and hugged him 
under the blood moon light. Lue was shocked. He thought Jeff had forgotten him but to
his surprise, he forgot how devastated Jeff was when he died. After all the huggs, Jeff
 took Lue inside the manor and had him meet all the Creepypastas! Lue seamed to grow
 very fond of The Puppeteer, he made good friends with EJ, and he got to meet Jeff’s
 boyfriend, Ben! He found love himself! He got with The Puppeteer.
 Overall, he was happy at the manor! Lue the puppeteer were the best couple! Jeff was
 proud and happy for his brother. That’s how things came to be. 


                                                          The end.  
tl;dr creepypasta jeff dark manor
this could make a good copypasta

ctrl c ctr v
stopped reading after the first sentence
wz pretty good

a little confusing at first, could use some organization. but thats how i wright, so enough from me on criticness.

overall, good story.
What the cat did I just read
The plot is ok,the writing could be much better. You are giving us Jeff's experiences very bluntly. Try to add suspense and tension in the bad parts of his experience by hiding from the reader what is happening for a little and just giving details, before the thing is revealed. Also use lots of detail to provide the reader a visceral and interactive experience. The way this is written is akin to a children's book, needs work.

Try something like this, to start perhaps:

Jeff used to count the days, he had been counting them for a long time. A few months ago, though, he had lost count. This had kept his hope up in the dark encampment. A few days after, he had also lost count of the people who could work no longer. Jeff knew that his time would soon come, and he would meet the same fate as the thousands of his friends, family, enemies, and people he had never even seen before. After so many days in the cells, and doing the forced labour for 10 hours a day, he had begun to lose hope that there would ever be an escape. The camp has been getting darker ever since he had arrived; now, his only light was coming from his ever closer death.