12-14-2021, 09:58 AM
[attachment=432]Months ago I was a very different person.
A lot of terrible events in my life left me in a state of constant dread and an ever growing desperation to die. I wanted badly to die but couldn’t go through with my plans of suicide due to a fear of death. Everyday a bit more of my feeling left me and soon I felt nothing, as if my insides were replaced with a void. My failed and aborted Suicide attempts were now followed with fits of cutting my self not only as punishment but as a way of trying to make myself feel something inside even if it was Pain and frustration. Then one day: I got my hands on My grandfathers fine hair trimmer blade. He had them around cause he was once a barber. I found a spot and I was about to cut when…
Airia’s design popped into my head and I felt a sudden urge to draw her.
I dropped the blade, grabbed the nearest pencil and began drawing. When I finished and I looked at what I had drawn, a cute little chubby female made of clouds wearing a basic blue collared polo shirt. I cried. Airia was all my happiness, My hope, my joy ,innocence manifesting in the form of a character as if to show I was not truly empty. The first thing I felt was guilt. Horrible bitter guilt.
So selfish to kill myself allowing something so beautiful and precious to die with me and rot away in my vile brain.I felt need to free her. Just so I could die and feel no guilt.I decided with what little skill I had I would free her from my head somehow.
At first I only chose Friday Night Funkin’ simply cause It was popular, I felt that she would spread quickly and others would help her carry on. It even seemed to be what Airia wanted. in the picture I had drawn I DID unknowingly draw a Microphone in her hand. So I stuck to it. I have wanted to be a Multimedia Artist and/or Indie Game Developer. I studied and learned a lot of skills, however I can never make that skill reach its full potential unless I “Connect” to it with my Heart,Mind,and Soul.
Friday Night Funkin’ helped me connect with music for the first time. No Words but Vowels and Beeps and Boops simple and not very unique but when the Modding Community came in they made this concept evolve. I found songs like “Hunger” and “Expurgation” that spoke to me and I was feeling. I would listen to music without words a lot trying to feel them to understand not the Lyrics but the song's message and feel. The songs that I found in Friday Night Funkin’s Mods allowed me to finally make that connection.
Thank God For sending me Airia. She filled my void with love and hope. It helped me pick myself back up. As I planned out her mod fleshed out her character and gave her life she put more life back to me.
The Fate Of This Passion Project Looks Grim…
The Tech guy at my school purposefully gave me a Chromebook, Lying and saying that I would be able to use my programs I use for development despite knowing it cannot run windows programs. They are also using GoGuardian to block any thing I could use as a resource or to find some help.
NO Other student has these limits
It is not at all I matter of school work as I’m doing my work and passing my classes despite knowing this,and the fact I have no Wi-Fi at home, Knowing the story of this project and why it matters so much to me, and Knowing he gave all the other students Dell Laptops with touchscreens and still has PLENTY of spare ones. He continues to do this knowing it frustrates and upsets me and laughs every time I feel this way.
A lot of terrible events in my life left me in a state of constant dread and an ever growing desperation to die. I wanted badly to die but couldn’t go through with my plans of suicide due to a fear of death. Everyday a bit more of my feeling left me and soon I felt nothing, as if my insides were replaced with a void. My failed and aborted Suicide attempts were now followed with fits of cutting my self not only as punishment but as a way of trying to make myself feel something inside even if it was Pain and frustration. Then one day: I got my hands on My grandfathers fine hair trimmer blade. He had them around cause he was once a barber. I found a spot and I was about to cut when…
Airia’s design popped into my head and I felt a sudden urge to draw her.
I dropped the blade, grabbed the nearest pencil and began drawing. When I finished and I looked at what I had drawn, a cute little chubby female made of clouds wearing a basic blue collared polo shirt. I cried. Airia was all my happiness, My hope, my joy ,innocence manifesting in the form of a character as if to show I was not truly empty. The first thing I felt was guilt. Horrible bitter guilt.
So selfish to kill myself allowing something so beautiful and precious to die with me and rot away in my vile brain.I felt need to free her. Just so I could die and feel no guilt.I decided with what little skill I had I would free her from my head somehow.
At first I only chose Friday Night Funkin’ simply cause It was popular, I felt that she would spread quickly and others would help her carry on. It even seemed to be what Airia wanted. in the picture I had drawn I DID unknowingly draw a Microphone in her hand. So I stuck to it. I have wanted to be a Multimedia Artist and/or Indie Game Developer. I studied and learned a lot of skills, however I can never make that skill reach its full potential unless I “Connect” to it with my Heart,Mind,and Soul.
Friday Night Funkin’ helped me connect with music for the first time. No Words but Vowels and Beeps and Boops simple and not very unique but when the Modding Community came in they made this concept evolve. I found songs like “Hunger” and “Expurgation” that spoke to me and I was feeling. I would listen to music without words a lot trying to feel them to understand not the Lyrics but the song's message and feel. The songs that I found in Friday Night Funkin’s Mods allowed me to finally make that connection.
Thank God For sending me Airia. She filled my void with love and hope. It helped me pick myself back up. As I planned out her mod fleshed out her character and gave her life she put more life back to me.
The Fate Of This Passion Project Looks Grim…
The Tech guy at my school purposefully gave me a Chromebook, Lying and saying that I would be able to use my programs I use for development despite knowing it cannot run windows programs. They are also using GoGuardian to block any thing I could use as a resource or to find some help.
NO Other student has these limits
It is not at all I matter of school work as I’m doing my work and passing my classes despite knowing this,and the fact I have no Wi-Fi at home, Knowing the story of this project and why it matters so much to me, and Knowing he gave all the other students Dell Laptops with touchscreens and still has PLENTY of spare ones. He continues to do this knowing it frustrates and upsets me and laughs every time I feel this way.
