Hi! My name is Bartholomew Wiggleton Tickletip the Third, and my life is totally bananas. Like, if I wrote a diary it would explode halfway through.
So, sometimes I go to school. They have these giant humans there. I swear, some of them could probably bench-press a car.
One day, D’Marcus Bigman Kidinkledink came up to me during recess. He stared at me with his googly eyes and said, “Hey, you ever wonder what legs taste like?” “Uh, no?” I said, backing away slowly. “Why would I, HEY!” Before I could finish, he shredded my legs with his teeth. And not like a playful nibble. No. He shredded it like it was a Thanksgiving turkey. “Mmm,” he said, smacking his lips. “Tastes like gummy worms dipped in nacho cheese.” “What is wrong with you?” I screamed, but it was too late. Both my legs were gone. Now I just float around like a spooky ghost. That’s right D’Marcus Bigman Kidinkledink ate my legs. D’Marcus is a weird guy. Did you know he’s obsessed with doorknobs?
One time, he got caught on camera licking a doorknob for three whole hours.
Anyway, when the cops came to arrest him for trespassing and extreme doorknob affection, he turned his legs into a spiky tornado helicopter and flew away. I think he used my legs for the transformation. “See ya, losers!” he yelled, cackling as he zoomed into the sky.
The next time I saw him, he came back from heaven. “How’s heaven?” I asked. He leaned in close, his googly eyes even googlier. “Pickles taste like stuffed turkey with fingernail-flavored ice cream,” he said.“Gross, man.”
One day, I had enough. “You’re so annoying, D’Marcus!” I shouted. “That’s it I’m turning you into a glass of eggnog!” I used my magic powers to turn him into a glass of eggnog because he’s super annoying. But, uh, maybe I shouldn’t have drunk him. “WHY DID YOU PUT ME IN YOUR FACE HOLE?!” his deep, booming voice that sounded like lebron james growled from inside my stomach. “STOP PUTTING ME IN YOUR FACE HOLE!” “Ahhhh!” I screamed, running so fast my legs well, my imaginary legs turned into spinning blurs. “You shall PAY!” D’Marcus roared, floating out of my stomach. He zapped me with his black magic carried down from the Kidinkledink bloodline that started long, long ago and turned me into a spinning seal “Zibber-zabber wibble-wobble, Sealify this human bobble! Flibber-flabber floosh-ka-ZOOM, Round and round, make seal go vroom!” he shouted his magical chant. “AAAH” I yelled, flapping my seal flippers as I zoomed and spinned uncontrollably through the school. “You messed with the wrong Kidinkledink!” he shouted, chasing me.
Eventually, I crash-landed into the school’s chimney. “Uh, help?” I called out, but no one heard me.
I was stuck for three hours. The chimney tasted kind of like a stale bologna sandwich. Meanwhile, D’Marcus was in the hallway, wrapping his tongue around a doorknob like it was spaghetti. “You’re so gross!” I yelled down the chimney. So he licked the doorknob even harder. That’s when I realized something. “There's another celebrity known for jumping into chimneys, what if Santa Claus sues me for identity theft!”
Soon enough, a bunch of kids saw me and started cheering. “Santa! Santa!” they cried. “Um...ho, ho, ho?” I said awkwardly. “Where's our presents?” one kid asked. Panic set in. I didn’t have any gifts, so I ripped out chunks of my hair and handed them out. “Here you go, Merry Christmas” Big mistake. Now I’m bald. So bald that the teacher sprayed Mr. Clean on my head. “This floor’s filthy,” he said, and started mopping the floor with me. Things got worse when he hung me from the ceiling fan and spun me around. “Disco ball time!” he said. I was glowing and farting glitter, and honestly, I kind of looked fabulous. But then I remembered I forgot to give D’Marcus a present. And he remembered, too. “WHERE IS MY GIFT?” he bellowed, mooing like a furious cow. His moo was so loud it made the school explode.
We all got flung to Mars, where it was so hot all the students evaporated and died. Except me because disco balls do that, duh. Then angry angry D’marcus bellowed like a banshee and He grew twelve chins. Every time he turned his head, his chins wobbled like angry Jell-O. He whacked an alien with his chins and they disappeared in a puff of smoke. “THIS IS THE END FOR YOU, WIGGLETON!” D’Marcus roared, raising his chin army to strike me down. But I had a plan. “Wait!” I said. “I have a gift for you!” “You do?” His chins stopped wobbling. Quickly, I grabbed some scissors, snipped off my grizzly bear toenails and threw them at him. “Happy Mars-mas!” I cheered
His googly eyes lit up. “You shouldn’t have!” He shredded my toenails with his teeth like they were nachos. “Mmm. Crunchy.” And just like that, D’Marcus smiled his big, creepy smile that made him look like a species of shrek. I could have sworn his ears got longer. “See you next time, Wiggleton!” he said, floating away. “Great,” I muttered. “Can’t wait.” D’marcus bigman kidinkledink is a really creepy guy.
oh yeah and also listen too my songs there pretty rad.