09-05-2020, 01:26 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-05-2020, 01:31 PM by LucentTear.)
Lucent I don’t know if you’ll read this but this is me ranting again and coming to a decision…
I used to have 3 monitors.. 1 of them started breaking down pixel by pixel until it isn’t useable anymore… and the second one I broke out of rage due to playing chess just a moment ago.
I always break my own property because I have 0 self temper control.
To tell you the absolute truth I hate about myself: what I really want is to be called a ‘genius’ at something, I want to be famous, better than everyone at ‘something’, I want to someone people look up to, I want to be someone rich and overall I just want to be a generic show off.
Composing?
I find music theory boring, I could never want to read it, I don’t even have the patience to learn songs on a piano, so I’m not someone who could become a composer for real, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Chess?
I played chess, I lose to everyone in chess but I so badly want to be good at it but no I don’t want to because I get so frustrated from it when I lose, I always lose at it. Fuck chess. I can never be better than a mere beginner at the game and if I do win I show off and I’m usually always cocky about everything.
I guess I’m not good at anything so what do I resort to? Finding attention from friends?
I’m trying so fucking hard always to be friends with everyone, yet I always ruin my friendships due to my own flaws, when it comes to love, It’s impossible to me to have a ‘love relationship’ with someone because I always get called selfish or some stupid shit that I’m the one ruining my friendships, and that I’m selfish, that I don’t care about others, that it’s my fault and yes I fucking get it but my own inner demons are killing me and making me depressed with me trying hide it and I don’t know what to do else than run away from everyone so I can at least stop ruining everything that I build up because I hate it when people bring up my flaws that I am completely aware of... I am done, I am giving up on the ‘marbles of life’ these are: Enjoying life with company, whether it be friends or a person that I love. I am pushing this all away officially until I can get myself together and be a better person and I don’t think this will ever happen knowing who I am and who I’ve been the past years. I can not prove to myself ANYTHING that I promise myself, or promises to other people, I always break them… This is my breaking point. There is nothing more in my mind going on other than shit that I hate.
I’m coming to the conclusion that solitude by isolation can not just make others happy that I don’t exist in their lives, and that it can stop me from thinking miserable shit about everything, about my past, about people, what others think of me, etc etc etc…….. I want it to stop. I blocked A, he’s going away to another city in a couple of weeks anyways and after that I’ll never see him again. I have nothing in common with that user ‘B’ anymore, the other real life friend, he doesn’t care or has actually ever really cared about the friendship we have had, he’s just ‘there’ so to say, as sad as it seems like, I have never been able to open up to him because he’s not that kind of guy who’d .. want to… whatever. I have no friends in real life anymore… All my adult friends have other things in their life, some have moved away, and the only adult friend I’ll actually have… is someone who’s about to get married and that means I can never spend time to play games or hangout with him again. So I honestly have no one.
Lucent you’re the only one that cares, but Lucent this has nothing to do with you, you’re the only one I can say these things to, and you’re the only one that can understand. But as you can see, my thinking is disgusting and I really want to do something about it. I’ll be gone from any chat related sites for a month… I want to avoid anyone as much as possible because I need time for myself. If a month (seems quite short to me) is not long enough time to make me change then I’ll come back to OS, but I only compose because I want others to listen to my songs, what would be the point without that reasoning.,... I don’t get why some people don’t advertise…. maybe there’s a reason dude Idk now I’m sidetracking again.
TL;DR Isolating myself for a month. Not because of you or anyone else on OS, but because I want to change my persona and to stop ruining my friendships. If I haven’t changed after that short time, I will extend my time. I don’t expect anyone to miss me, in fact when I succeed in changing, I will start over with other usernames who knows where on the internet I end up. The only person I really want to keep talk to is you if you still after my fucked up thinking still want to but for now, I’ll be gone for some time but Benjo asked me if I’ll eventually return and I will…
I used to have 3 monitors.. 1 of them started breaking down pixel by pixel until it isn’t useable anymore… and the second one I broke out of rage due to playing chess just a moment ago.
I always break my own property because I have 0 self temper control.
To tell you the absolute truth I hate about myself: what I really want is to be called a ‘genius’ at something, I want to be famous, better than everyone at ‘something’, I want to someone people look up to, I want to be someone rich and overall I just want to be a generic show off.
Composing?
I find music theory boring, I could never want to read it, I don’t even have the patience to learn songs on a piano, so I’m not someone who could become a composer for real, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Chess?
I played chess, I lose to everyone in chess but I so badly want to be good at it but no I don’t want to because I get so frustrated from it when I lose, I always lose at it. Fuck chess. I can never be better than a mere beginner at the game and if I do win I show off and I’m usually always cocky about everything.
I guess I’m not good at anything so what do I resort to? Finding attention from friends?
I’m trying so fucking hard always to be friends with everyone, yet I always ruin my friendships due to my own flaws, when it comes to love, It’s impossible to me to have a ‘love relationship’ with someone because I always get called selfish or some stupid shit that I’m the one ruining my friendships, and that I’m selfish, that I don’t care about others, that it’s my fault and yes I fucking get it but my own inner demons are killing me and making me depressed with me trying hide it and I don’t know what to do else than run away from everyone so I can at least stop ruining everything that I build up because I hate it when people bring up my flaws that I am completely aware of... I am done, I am giving up on the ‘marbles of life’ these are: Enjoying life with company, whether it be friends or a person that I love. I am pushing this all away officially until I can get myself together and be a better person and I don’t think this will ever happen knowing who I am and who I’ve been the past years. I can not prove to myself ANYTHING that I promise myself, or promises to other people, I always break them… This is my breaking point. There is nothing more in my mind going on other than shit that I hate.
I’m coming to the conclusion that solitude by isolation can not just make others happy that I don’t exist in their lives, and that it can stop me from thinking miserable shit about everything, about my past, about people, what others think of me, etc etc etc…….. I want it to stop. I blocked A, he’s going away to another city in a couple of weeks anyways and after that I’ll never see him again. I have nothing in common with that user ‘B’ anymore, the other real life friend, he doesn’t care or has actually ever really cared about the friendship we have had, he’s just ‘there’ so to say, as sad as it seems like, I have never been able to open up to him because he’s not that kind of guy who’d .. want to… whatever. I have no friends in real life anymore… All my adult friends have other things in their life, some have moved away, and the only adult friend I’ll actually have… is someone who’s about to get married and that means I can never spend time to play games or hangout with him again. So I honestly have no one.
Lucent you’re the only one that cares, but Lucent this has nothing to do with you, you’re the only one I can say these things to, and you’re the only one that can understand. But as you can see, my thinking is disgusting and I really want to do something about it. I’ll be gone from any chat related sites for a month… I want to avoid anyone as much as possible because I need time for myself. If a month (seems quite short to me) is not long enough time to make me change then I’ll come back to OS, but I only compose because I want others to listen to my songs, what would be the point without that reasoning.,... I don’t get why some people don’t advertise…. maybe there’s a reason dude Idk now I’m sidetracking again.
TL;DR Isolating myself for a month. Not because of you or anyone else on OS, but because I want to change my persona and to stop ruining my friendships. If I haven’t changed after that short time, I will extend my time. I don’t expect anyone to miss me, in fact when I succeed in changing, I will start over with other usernames who knows where on the internet I end up. The only person I really want to keep talk to is you if you still after my fucked up thinking still want to but for now, I’ll be gone for some time but Benjo asked me if I’ll eventually return and I will…
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