Hope you "like" it. for the ones who like my stories.

[Shoto Todoroki123]

Jeff and Lue the story 

 

By Shoto Todoroki123

 

It all starts at the holocaust. Jeff was an 18-year-old candidate and was in the Japanese

 concentration camp. The little food and water were killing off a lot of people, Jeff

 sometimes went without. Each day, he would count all the people that starved. Other

 days, he would smile at them and say positive things about them. One day he was so

 hungry and desperate that he saw a starved corps and ripped an arm off and bit it. The

arm was like heaven to him. It was so good that he ate the whole thing! People would

look at him like he was crazy, but he got that a lot. One day someone in the camp was

 tired of Jeffs crazy ways and attempted to kill him. He tied him up with ace wrap and

took a knife and cut a smile in his face, then left him there to die. His name was Ryan,

 and along with Jeff, he also torchered his brother Lue. Being as young as they are, they

 were able to stay conches. Jeff slowly went insane. The 30 days with little food and the

 30 nights without shelter... it turned his skin white and his hair pitch black. His pupils

 in his eyes were small and black, and the bottom of his eyes looked like natural black

 eyeliner. Lue was able to stay kind of sane. Although the cuts started to get infected.

 Jeff knew how to sew without a needle and used one of his sleeves to sew his brothers

 face. Long after they managed to escape. Running as far away from the camp as

possible, they were looking at all the dead corpses. Lue saw one holding something

 shiny. Lue thought it was money, Jeff thought it was bullets! To both of their surprise, it

 was a knife! Lue saw his brother's eyes and knew it was a good idea. They ran around

 and killed the first things that moved with no mercy! With their twisted minds, they ate

all the corpses. After the meal, they left the scene. Soon the police caught them and tried

 

to arrest them. But they ran in the woods. Hours of laughing and yelling was making

 them feel alive. Jeff gave up his army title, Lue did as well. Months passed, and after all

 the fun, horror struck! Rayn returned! He snuck up on Lue and stabbed him in the

 stomach! Causing him to die a very slow and painful death. He yelled and yelled but Jeff

 could do nothing about it, he had to watch as his brother died. Jeff was heartbroken. He

 sat in that ally till his sole wasted away. Weeks later, he was captured by police. He was

 taken to the asylum for 6 months. After his big break out, he ran till he met an abandon

 manor. The Dark Manor to be exact. Inside, were other Creepypastas. There, he was

 excepted. Months passed in that manor. Jeff was sitting on the roof and gazing at the

stars one night. He wishes he could have done something to help Lue. The sound of his

 brothers screaming filled his head. He blames himself for his death. Then, out of the

pitch-black darkness of night, was a figure. Jeff jumped down to see it. Alas, it was his

 own brother standing before him. Without thinking, Jeff grabbed him and hugged him 

under the blood moon light. Lue was shocked. He thought Jeff had forgotten him but to

his surprise, he forgot how devastated Jeff was when he died. After all the huggs, Jeff

 took Lue inside the manor and had him meet all the Creepypastas! Lue seamed to grow

 very fond of The Puppeteer, he made good friends with EJ, and he got to meet Jeff’s

 boyfriend, Ben! He found love himself! He got with The Puppeteer.

 Overall, he was happy at the manor! Lue the puppeteer were the best couple! Jeff was

 proud and happy for his brother. That’s how things came to be. 

 

                                                          The end.  

[LuminousKR]

tl;dr creepypasta jeff dark manor

[Bacon_Lover12345]

this could make a good copypasta

ctrl c ctr v

[pseudoname]

stopped reading after the first sentence

[Phantomflame]

wz pretty good

a little confusing at first, could use some organization. but thats how i wright, so enough from me on criticness.

overall, good story.

[Dogsclaw]

What the cat did I just read

[Lopyt]

The plot is ok,the writing could be much better. You are giving us Jeff's experiences very bluntly. Try to add suspense and tension in the bad parts of his experience by hiding from the reader what is happening for a little and just giving details, before the thing is revealed. Also use lots of detail to provide the reader a visceral and interactive experience. The way this is written is akin to a children's book, needs work.

Try something like this, to start perhaps:

Jeff used to count the days, he had been counting them for a long time. A few months ago, though, he had lost count. This had kept his hope up in the dark encampment. A few days after, he had also lost count of the people who could work no longer. Jeff knew that his time would soon come, and he would meet the same fate as the thousands of his friends, family, enemies, and people he had never even seen before. After so many days in the cells, and doing the forced labour for 10 hours a day, he had begun to lose hope that there would ever be an escape. The camp has been getting darker ever since he had arrived; now, his only light was coming from his ever closer death.