I wrote "Survivor's Guilt" in 2022. I wanted to write something that touched on how depression, over time, turns you into a different person than you used to be. Everyone changes over time, of course. But with depression, there can be a feeling that you've become a different person than who you were *meant* to become. A nagging feeling of unfulfilled promise, of an alternate future having been stolen from you.
When I first posted this on SoundCloud, a listener kindly inquired about my well-being. I'm OK. It's tough sometimes, but I'm fortunate to have a pretty good support system. I'm also really good at distracting myself from the darker thoughts. And writing about stuff like this really helps, especially if there's a chance that it might help somebody else.
I've played a little fast and loose with the term "survivor's guilt" here. Usually it's used to describe the guilt felt by someone who survives a singular event which others did not, such as a plane crash or other catastrophe. In this case, what has been survived is the cumulative burden of a life lived with depression-- a burden to which so many people succumb, unfortunately. The 'guilt' is from the feeling of being effectively crippled by the illness at times, and of not being able to live the self-sufficient and more productive life that one might otherwise have led.